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永利线上娱乐,永利在线娱乐平台>学习英语>英语其它>《青少年犯罪类作文批改实录与英语范文指导》正文

青少年犯罪类作文批改实录与英语范文指导

时间:2018-01-13 14:47:29本文内容及图片来源于读者投稿,如有侵权请联系xuexila888@ 晓琼

  编者按:英语作文有些涉及到青少年犯罪问题的,这些是当今社会的热点话题吗,也是英语考试的重点。

  原文:

  It is true that the incidence of minor crime is increasing at a rapid pace. There are some reasons for this, and steps should be taken to tackle this problem.

  The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime. Schools pay closer attention to core subjects than moral education. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, thereby committing crimeseasily. For example, some young people frequently see drugs as cool and become addicted, and they may resort to petty theft in order to pay for their habit. Besides, the young who are always exposed to unhealthy content are more likely to commit crimes. Youth are normally and may copy bad behavior they see on TV or Internet. For instance, teenagers who often watch films containing violent contents may be used to use violence to settle problems, which would lead to violent crimes.

  There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Clearly, schools ought to improve their teaching methods. They can make moral education a required course to help students understand the price of committing a crime, the danger of drugs and soon. This can help students become law-abiding citizens. In addition, parents have to ensure that young people are protected fromtoo much exposure to unhealthy content. They should spend more time with theirchildren and help them stay away from Internet and TV, thereby reducing the chances of watching violent and pornographic content. Also, governments should pass some laws aimed at the young. This would be a good deterrent and teenagers would think twice when they want to commit a crime.

  In conclusion, the lack of ethical education and too much exposure to unhealthy content are responsible for the increase of juvenile crime. Parents, schools and governments should work together to prevent this kind of crimes.

  Feedback:

  逻辑:6 结构:6.5 学术:5 语法:5.5 总分:6

  1.首先,文章的开头是background,而background的老套路是改写题目,一定要记住题目中一个很关键的时间点,in recent years,在改写的时候一定要突出来, 这一点你没有做到。(可用recently,last decade 等等代替)而用it is true略显繁杂,肯定是true啊不然让你写干什么?所以换一种表达方式,常用方法是引起社会关注,即issue,controversy等。

  2.在中高分段的写作里面structure非常的重要,它决定了你是否可用拿到6.5以上。而两种方式突出structure:topic sentence 和连接词。 在表明观点类的段落中你做到了topic sentence而没有做到连接词,“The shortcoming in ethical education is one cause of juvenile crime”是你的topic sentence,但记住,topic sentence永远要和连接词在一起,可前可后,所以应该加上first等连词以表示逻辑,后面同理。

  3.Therefore后面再有thereby重复了。

  很多不正确的中式表达在我写的作文中已经改出来了,如see as, too much,unhealth contents, work together都过于口语化和中式化。

  模仿不用copy,用imitate

  建议类里不能出现haveto,用should 或ought to 代替

  犯罪不应该是when而应该是before

  通过法律用implement或者enforce,不用pass

  4.多用meanwhile,additionally,alternatively,finally,consequently等连词连接,clearly,also很少在用到topic sentence时连接

  5.能想到parents,schools,government三个平行方面非常棒!!!但在government后可以举个例子,比如strengthen the censorship on media

  我的范文

  Juvenile delinquency has been a preferred issue since the rate of minor crime is skyrocketing recently. There are a number of reasons resulting in this. Meanwhile, growing concerns on how to tackle this problem have been gained comprehensive attention.

  First, the lack of moral education is one key contributor to juvenile delinquency. In contrast tomoral education, schools might pay more attention to instruction of core subjects. Therefore, teenagers cannot learn how to distinguish right and wrong, they are easily tempted to break laws. For example, taking drugs is usuallyconsidered to be a ‘cool’ thing by teenagers, thereby being addicted finally. Besides, for those who might be always exposed to violence and pornography, they are more likely to commit crimes comparably. Youth are normally immature hence they are likely to imitate the inappropriate behaviors they see on TV or Internet. Such as, some young viewers may adopt violent means to settle conflicts with other people.

  There are some ways to curb juvenile delinquency. Firstly, the method that popularizes the moral education in schooling is necessarily implemented. Which can be attributed via enforcing moral education to be required, enabling to help students understand that they would pay a heavily price for their transgressions and know the danger of drugs so on. Consequently, people could become law-abidingcitizens based on well-educated moral knowledge. In addition, parents should ensure that their children are being protected in extensive negative coverage. Also, they need spend more time in accompanying with their children in order to keep them away from unhealthy things. Finally, government should implement some laws aiming at the young to restrict the pace of juvenile delinquency as this might be a strong deterrent before committing a crime to teenagers.

  In conclusion, the combined effect resulting from the lack of moral education and negative media influence are responsible for the rise of juvenile crime. Meanwhile, it is worth highlighting that family, schools and governments should work jointly to prevent this kind of crime.

  可以看出本文的两段主体段一段写青少年犯罪率高的原因,另外一段写解决方法,都采用了“列举式” 的写法,这种写法结构清晰,内容明了,可以使阅读者在最快的时间内免去思考地获得作者的意图,列举式写法考验的是学生的连接词的使用能力和逻辑能力。

  作者| Lynn

  公众号: 雅思写作王

  本文为原创文章,版权归作者所有,未经授权不得转载!


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